For years we 'ad an Aspidistra In a flowerpot, On the What-not, near the 'at stand in the 'all. It didn't seem to grow, Till one day our Brother Joe, Had a notion that he'd make it strong and tall. So 'e crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree, And 'e planted it against the garden wall. It shot up like a rocket Till it nearly touched the sky. It's the biggest Aspidistra in the world. We couldn't see the top of it - It got so bloomin' high. It's the biggest Aspidistra in the world. When father's 'ad a skinful At his pub the 'Bunch of Grapes', He doesn't go all fighting mad, And getting into scrapes; You'll find 'im in 'is bearskin Playing 'Tarzan of the Apes' Up the biggest Aspidistra in the world.

We 'ave to get it watered By the local fire brigade, So they've put the water rate up 'arf a crown. The roots stop up the drains, Grow along the country lanes, And they come up 'arf a mile outside the Town. Once we 'ired the Crystal Palace for an 'ot 'ouse, But a jealous rival went and burned it down. The Tom Cats and the Moggies Love to spend their evenings out Up the biggest Aspidistra in the world. They all begin miaowing When the buds begin to sprout From the biggest Aspidistra in the world. The dogs line up for miles and miles, A funny sight to see - They sniff around for hours on end And wag their tails with glee, So I've 'ad to put a notice up To say it's not a tree, It's the biggest Aspidistra in the world.

It's getting worn and weary And its leaves are turning grey, It's the oldest Aspidistra in the world. So we water it with 'alf a pint Of Guinness ev'ry day, It's the stoutest Aspidistra in the world. The Borough Council told us that We've got to chop it down; It interferes with aeroplanes That fly above the Town, So we sold it to a woodyard For a lousy 'alf a crown. It's the biggest Aspidistra in the world.

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