The Ball o' Kirriemuir

Melody -

This Ballad has been growing since the 1880s. Kirriemuir and Aviemore are actual towns in Scotland.

1. Oh, the ball,
The ball o' Kirriemuir,
Where folk o' high and low degree
Were screwin' on the floor.
Singin' "Wha'll dae ye, lassie,
Wha'll dae ye noo?
The mon wha did ye last nicht
Cannae dae ye noo."

2. 'Twas on the first of August
The party, it began.
Noo, ne'er shall I forget, me lads,
The gatherin' o' the clans.

3. 'Twas the gatherin' o' the clans, mon,
And everyone was there
A-playin' wi' the lassies
An' twinin' curly hair

4. Five-and-twenty virgins
Came doun frae Aviemore,
Ane o' them got back sae,
But she was double-bore.

5. John McGowan, the father,
Was quite surprised to see
Four and twenty maidenheads
A-hanging frae the tree.

6. There was dancin' in the meadows,
There was dancin' in the ricks,
Ye could nae hear the bagpipes
For the swishin' o' the pricks.

7. There was screwin' in the parlor,
An' screwin' on the stones.
Ye could nae hear the music
For the wheezin' and the groans.

8. There was screwin' on the banister,
Screwin' on the stairs;
Ye couldna' see the carpet
For the mess o' curly hairs.

9. There was fuckin' i' the stable,
There was fuckin' i' the ricks;
An' ye couldna' hear the rantin'
For the plungin' o' the pricks.

10. They tried it on the garden path
And once around the park,
And when the candles all burned out
They did it in the dark.

11. The deacon's wife was standin' there,
Her arse against the wall;
"Put your money on the table, lads,
I'll take ye ane an' all.''

12. The queen was in the parlor,
Eatin' bread and honey
The king was in the chamber maid,
And she was in the money.

13. The groom was in the corner,
Oilin' up his tool;
The bride was in the icebox,
Her private parts to cool.

14. At first they tried it simple,
Then they tried it he's and she's,
But when the ball got rollin'
They went at it fives and threes.

15. O' cocks some men had but a tad,
An' some men had a lot,
An' some would make a lassie glad
That she'd been born a Scot.

16. The bride was in her bower,
Explainin' to the groom
The vagina, not the rectum,
Is the entrance to the womb.

17. The parson's dochter, she was there
A sittin' way down front,
A wreath of roses in her hair
And a carrot up her cunt.

18. The minister's dochter tae was there
An' she gat roarin' fu'
Sae they doubled her ower the midden wa'
An' bulled her like a coo.

19. The village priest was also there,
And on the floor he sat
Amusing himself by abusing himself
And catching it on his hat.

20. The undertaker tae was there
Dressed in a lang black shroud,
Swingin' on the chandelier
And pissin' on the crowd.

21. The mayor's dochter, she was there,
And kept the crowd in fits
By jumpin' off the mantle piece
And landin' on her tits.

22. The village idiot, he was there,
He was a perfect fool;
He sat beneath an auld oak tree
And whittled off his tool.

23. The village postman tae was there,
The puir mon had the pox;
He could nae fuck the lassies,
So he fucked the mail box.

24. The schoolmaster, he was there,
Goin' at it some;
Figurin' out by algebra
The time when he would come.

25. The chimney sweep was also there,
But soon he got the boot,
For every time he farted,
He filled the room with soot.

26. The minister's wife was there as weel,
A' buckled to the front,
Wi' a wreath o' roses roun' her arse
An' thrissels roun' her cunt.

27. The groom by then was daft wi' glee
An' racin' through the halls
A-pullin' on his pecker an'
A-showin' off his balls.

28. It's the first lady forward,
And the second lady back
And the third lady's finger
In the fourth lady's crack.

29. It's a' the ladies back,
Wi' yer arses tae the wall;
Gin ye can't get fucked at Kirriemuir,
Ye'll ne'er get fucked at all!

30. The village pervert, he was there,
Scratchin' at his crotch,
But no one minded him at all;
He was only there to watch.

31. Big John, the farmer, swore an oath,
An' then he cursed an' grat
For his forty acre corn field
Was completely fuckit flat.

32. The village masochist, he was there,
Beggin' for a blow;
The sadist merely looked at him
And cruelly answered, "No."

33. Four and twenty virgins
Came doon frae Inverness,
And when the ball was over
There were four and twenty less.

34. There was screwin' on the sofa,
There was screwin' in the chair,
And when they found the trampoline
There was screwin' in the air.

35. Several lusty wenches
Gathered 'round the door,
And tripped the men as they came through
But beat them tae the floor.

36. John the Blacksmith, he was there
He wouldna play the game;
He fucked a lassie seven times
But wouldnae see her hame.

37. The village economist, he was there
His slide rule in his hand,
Figuring out exactly
When supply would meet demand.

38. Guid old Jock McNorris
Took his partner by the arm,
And grinned, and said, "Another 'do'
Won't do us any harm!"

39. And when the ball was over,
The opinion was expressed:
The music was exquisite but
The screwin' was the best.

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