Oh, the minstrels sing
Of an English King
Of many long years ago,
Who ruled that land
With an iron hand
Though his morals were weak and low.
His only outer garment was a dirty yellow shirt
With which he tried
To hide his hide,
But could not hide the dirt.
He was dirty and filthy and full of fleas
But he had his women by twos and threes;
God bless the bastard king of England.
Now the Queen of Spain
Was an amorous dame;
A lascivious wench was she,
And longed to play
In a sexual way
With the king across the sea.
So she sent a secret message via royal messenger
To invite the king
To an all-night fling
Of love-making with her.
He was smelly and lousy and full of fleas
But his manly tool hung down to his knees;
God bless the bastard king of England.
Well, when Philip of France,
Heard it by chance
He swore before his court,
"The Queen, by God,
Prefers that slob
Because I'm rather short."
So he sent the Duke of Suffering Sap
To give the queen a dose of the clap
And pass it on to the bastard king of England
He was fat and gamey and full of fleas
But well endowed and eager to please;
God bless the bastard king of England!
When the King of England heard the news
He cursed this Gallic farce;
He up and swore,
"By the royal whore,
I'll have King Philip's arse!"
He offered half the royal purse
And a piece of Princess Claire
To any British subject who'd
Undo Philip the Fair.
He was pale and paunchy and full of fleas
But he could spread a maid with practised ease;
God bless the bastard king of England!
The Duke of Northumberland
Jumped on his horse
And straightaway rode to France.
He claimed to be a fairy,
And the king let drop his pants.
Then he slipped a stout thong
Around Philip's schlong
Lept on his horse and galloped along
And dragged the Frenchman back
To Merry Old England.
He was rank and stank and full of fleas
But a king can indulge in his lecheries;
God bless the bastard king of England!
But the King of England saw the sight
And fell in a faint to the floor,
For during the ride
His rival's hide
Had stretched a yard or more.
And all the whores
In their silk drawers
Came down to London Town
And shouted round the battlements,
"To Hell with the British Crown!"
So Philip alone
Usurped the throne;
His scepter was his royal bone
With which he ditched
The bastard king of England.
He was dirty and filthy and full of fleas
But he had his women by twos and threes;
God bless the bastard king of England.
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